holly heights mailbox

[keepcalmandbomb]

☆ spouse gorilla ☆ kid #1 ☆ kid #2 ☆



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[gorillatama]

[JESUS FUCKIN CHRIST GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN!!!]

[In the name of the p*ssy]

*so hot
well big boy im just showin my appreciation 4 u
dont u like it ;~; u could use a lil relaxin @ work!!


heres 1 more 4 the road, hotwig


p.s roger, hotwigstuff. ill b ready and waiting 2 welcum u home

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ somewhere between the petting zoo and house 1469, a grown man screeches to the high heavens ("It's not hotwig, it's Katsura!!") and passes out in the middle of the street. ]

[ SWEET PAW OVERLOAD ]

[ it's like Gintoki's sugar comas, except not ]

[gorillatama]

[Specifically in the bathroom of house 1469, a gorilla is humming about hotwigstuffs and hot wings, actually, as he flushes, washes his hands, and pursues the closet for their hidden catnip stash.

There might or might not be a trail of catnip leading around the house

It's up to fate, now. Don't be late or the pizza is free, man]

[p*ssy comas]

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ YEAH THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS ]

[ much, much later, probably thanks to some kind stranger, Katsura is finally home, usurely following a trail of suspiciously happy cats. ]

[gorillatama]

[There's a great roaring sound within their humble home

Which is actually the mixed purring throughout their humble abode

The door to the bedroom might be slightly ajar]

Yes thaaaat's it! You've almost got it...right...there...nono, don't give up, you're nearly there!

[How encouraging]

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ NOT EXACTLY ]

[ the gentle rumbling of many cats purring is very relaxing, though, even a little alluring ]

[ he'll... push the door open with one finger and peek in ]

[gorillatama]

[Inside he'll see a balancing tower of felines with Isao Kondo himself as their coach and cheerleader, dressed in his very own cat costume

There's even ears]

You're making me so proud my little kitties! And mama Zura's going to be so surprised and delighted~ He might even let me have the remote on Thursday...Now again, from the top!

[keepcalmandbomb]

...

[ zura looks like he's just been struck by lightning. part of him wants to just charge head-first into the pile of cats, but the other part insists that they're doing something cute and he mustn't interfere!! ]

[ so he just gently slides down to the floor while holding on the doorframe, his legs suddenly feeling like jelly ]

[gorillatama]

[Kondo's oblivious to Zura's inner struggle and thirst, too busy waving a fluffy mouse toy in the air, serving as his baton]

Yes, yes, c'mon now, Roger, show a little more back to it! Don't be shy, work what you got, baybee~!

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ maybe he'll notice the weird sound coming from behind him, then. it's something between a sigh and a moan and obviously directed at the cat routine ]

[gorillatama]

[WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS BETWEEN A MOAN AND A SIGH?! BULLSHIT IT'S A FULL ON MOAN, ISN'T IT? THAT'S WHY KONDO RECOGNIZES IT SO QUICKLY! He whips his head around and stares, suddenly resembling a gorilla caught in headlights.]

Ka-katsura-san...

[The cats take this moment to break out of formation and take five.]

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ M-MAYBE. AT LEAST HIS NOSE ISN'T BLEEDING! PROBABLY. WHY DOES THAT HELP HIM RECOGNIZE IT SO QUICKLY, HUH? DOES HE HAVE THAT GOOD A MEMORY OF THE WARTS ARC? ]

[ Katsura sniffles weakly from his spot on the floor and wipes a proud tear from his face. ]

Your routine... is awfully cute.

[gorillatama]

[WE DON'T FUCKING TALK ABOUT THE WARTS ARC! How dare you. He knows because Zura farts and rolls over and moans in his sleep. Makes it hard for gorillas to get their beauty rest.

Also is that drool?]

Re-really? You think so? They've worked so hard, nyan~! Our furry army has put in many intervals of fifteen minutes and lots of cat nip but I'm so proud it's worth it.

So you like it, nyan?

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ WE ARE TALKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW. THERE WAS ADULTERY. Rude. What does he say, huh? Are you spying on other people's intimate lives now? ]

[ you saw nothing he expertly wipes it off with his sleeve ]

Yes... yes, it definitely looks like they worked hard.

[ wanna know what's funny about something being 'hard'?.. ]

Hard work is the one true path to victory. I am proud of you all.

[gorillatama]

[you know that kind of reminds me of this. HOW IS SUFFERING THROUGH THE STENCH AND THE TRAUMA SPYING?? GO BACK TO SPY SCHOOL!!

there was definitely something there]

They did! I've never been prouder of them, not even when Takashi pooped a turd that looked like D*vid. Oh~ Katsunyan, I'm so glad you like it!

[That better be a fucking chia pet in his pants and nothing else]

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ IT IS THE TRUE CHALLENGE OF A SPY'S WORK!! ask Yamazaki, he will confirm it. besides, you're making it up, these bowels are taken care of real well and don't spew that much gas into the atmosphere at all. you'll survive. ]

It's not Katsunyan, it's Katsura.

[ Maybe it's a pet rock. Or pet wood. Or it might like petting, at least. ]

[gorillatama]

[No the true challenge of a spy's work is not laughing when the spy-ee farts while you're undercover or under the covers and about to be suffocated by the stench. THERE IS NO GOING BACK FROM THAT, WHAT SURVIVING??!? THAT GAS SMELLS LIKE A BIBLE STORY]

Nyanzura~?

[ABSOLUTELY NOT leave this world. The only stoning that's gonna go on is to America's funniest home videos: country exchange videos where there are crotch injuries starring Zura and Kondo]

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ IT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO THE MONKEY STENCH, REALLY. YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY, WHOEVER SMELT IT DEALT IT, MY GOOD SIR. ]

It's not Nyanzura, it's Katsura.

[ How unnecessarily drastic. This is totally domestic abuse, yes? ]

[gorillatama]

[THAT COULD NOT BE PRODUCED FROM HIS ASS! HIS G ASTRAL TRACT IS HEALTHY AND FIT, NOT BLOCKED UP WITH FIRE AND BRIMSTONE LIKE ZURAS.

Whoever denied it supplied it my dear.]

Catsura Nyantaro-sama.

[if it is Zura can't deny being into that judging by the blush and other. Reactions.]

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ NOTHING IS BLOCKING IT! THINGS DON'T GO IN THERE, ONLY OUT! for now anyway ]

Ah, it's a pet name. Have we really gone so far in this relationship already?

[ ...that is possible ]

[gorillatama]

[Blocked being the operative word here. STOP!! NO NOTHING IS GOING IN THERE I TAKE IT BACK I TAKE THIS BACK!! GET A 1000 YEAR SUPPOSITORY JUTSU!!!

Is-is it...? I think it was only a matter of time...it all led up to this. Is it okay? [His cheeks (the ones on his face.........so far) flush]

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ ONLY IF IT'S DELIVERED BY KAKASHI-SENSEI! That silver hair can make many things okay. ]

Hmm, I suppose it does feel that way. But it worries me that we're on the opposite sides of the barricade...

[gorillatama]

[OK SOMEONE'S CLEARLY GOT A TYPE! ALERT, RED ALERT, SOMEONE'S GOT A TYPE! SILVER HAIR LIKE AN OLD MAN AND DORKISH AND PERVERTED TENDENCIES!! Kakashi-sensei is late, btw, so he's not available]

The barricade of our hearts? But I can already feel it crumbling with every passing day together. Don't you feel it, Katsura-san? Listen to it.

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ IT'S MERELY A FONDNESS IS ALL!! That's ok he's really just a fictional equivalent for Gintoki isn't he. ]

[ the sound of his name being said right does make him feel something crumble alright ]

Yes... yes, you are right. But I try to listen to my brain as well as my heart. The barricades back in Edo between the patriots and the scum ass-kissers traitors police are as strong as ever.

[gorillatama]

[you're damn right. god, the thirst is intense. smh]

[A most gentle smile breaks out on Kondo's face as he moves closer, arms open]

But that's back home, isn't it? And we've already crossed many barriers here without bloodshed or peeshed. Surely that must mean something to you? It means a lot to me.