[ Katsura cares little about the price tags, because heck, this just might be the most of actual birthday presents he's ever gotten. He almost weeps when he unpacks the C*line Di*n CD and the noodles. ]
...Kondo-san...
[ a single tear rolls down his cheek ]
I NEVER ALLOWED YOU USING MY CONDITIONER!!!
[ nonetheless, a few hours later he'll actually have dinner ready to welcome the goddamn nice gorilla home. it's just fried rice with mild curry sauce, but at least it's actually edible, unlike Otae-san's tamagoyaki. Although it might also help with constipation as a side effect. Who knows. ]
[ There will even be clean dishes and a candle waiting on the dining table. ]
[Kondo was pretty grateful to get out of the house earlier that day. No, it wasn't because it was stuffy, what, arguing with nearly every breath and dodging bombs (literally), and it certainly wasn't to get away from the charming family moments they did surprisingly have.
He did it. Ohhh he did it. He was done for. This was it. He'd heard Katsura cry- er, remembered the character stats and it was apparent his birthday was close. As in he missed it. But. But everyone should have their birthday acknowledged, spend the day with their closest people to remind them just how they touched those lives, happy to be born and happy to be alive and happy to be able to meet, fated or not. Even terrorists. So he'd done it. He'd gotten his spouse some things to tide him over until those closest to him could come up with something. Like, hey, I remember you dropping my toothbrush in the toilet the other day, you are a huge pain in our ass and you are not forgotten. And he had no idea what was waiting for him when he went home, the very thought of it made his asshole curl up in itself.
However, when he eventually made it home, cringing as he crossed the threshold and clenching every hole in his body for an angry Katsura, nothing came. Something, however, smelled heavenly, and as he made it to the heart of their humble abode, the kitchen, his pulse picked up. What the hell was this lovely gesture? Did they get a hot maid without him knowing...?]
Honey, I'm home....? If you're doing things with the hot maid I'm going to have to ask you to get me sound canceling headphones...
[ it probably only smells heavenly to someone used to crust-burned eggs and bowls of mayo, but hey. and if it does end up causing diarrhea, Katsura won't be purposefully occupying the bathroom! so, all good. ]
[ He approaches from the other end of the hallway solemnly like the ghost girl from The Gr*dge, just with better hair. ]
The maid? Please. As if I would resort to such pathetic, inappropriate actions.
[ His glare, however, gradually turns into a tiny, cute, happy smile. Practically beaming, really, as C*line D*on's voice echoes from the living room, insisting that her heart will go ooooooooooon. ]
Thank you for the present, Kondo-san.
[ THIS MAY BE THE FIRST TIME HE'S NOT USING "GORILLA" OR OTHER UNOFFICIAL NICKNAMES WHEN ADDRESSING HIM. ]
[HEY, OTAE-SAN'S BURNT BIOHAZARD FOOD AND MAYO IS A GOOD STAPLE FOR STRONG MEN- who are we kidding. The diarrhea is going to be on his soul, then. He'll never be able to wipe clean the stain from his karma level. Can he live with that can he]
K*yako- Oh, Katsura-san, there you are. I thought you were someone else for a second. [He thought he felt something sinister within those locks...He nods knowingly] That's right, it is inappropriate to have such a young maid here after her curfew. Very naughty indeed, you old so and so.
[Okay so the smile is disconcerting, so disconcerting he feels a bead of sweat trickle perfectly down the line of his asscrack with Feeling. The C*line D*on is a little comforting and the only part of this moment that's keeping him from sharting and ducking behind the couch-
He thanked him. Used his name.
Utter shock follows, a fly's fart could've been heard in that silence. Kondo's chest felt really warm, like K*yako had warmed it in the microwave before the curse, a nice, gentle feeling.
Maybe this wasn't so bad, eh?
A grin as bright as the sun blossoms on his face, utterly touched] You're welcome, Katsura-san. I was just in the neighborhood buying tp when I saw those things and figured you'd enjoy them more than I would. To think, even you have your cute moments! It's a relief.
I am not old and I do not bring young maidens home to do this and that. You, on the other hand, have a history of attempted cradle robbing on your hairy hands.
[ huff ]
Anyway, please enjoy your dinner. It is the least I can do.
[ bows with his hands in his sleves, and socks off to watch the evening soap that's about to start ]
[Dammit. Katsura's jo(i)y, which is now as contagious as a VD, isn't deterred by Zura's rebuff in the slightest. He just chuckles and rolls up his sleeves, plopping down at the table eagerly.]
A May-December romance keeps the Decembers frisky and spry! Don't knock it 'till you try it. And not with the older maid, that's unprofessional. For her grandchildren's sake.
[As he tucks in, he adds, with his mouth full mind you-] You really outdid yourself, Katsura-san. Thank you. But aren't you going to eat something before finding out if Verica woke up from her coma? Your tear ducts will need their strength.
[ Katsura stops and huffs, with the smug face of a true expert. ]
Perhaps you have spent too much time stalking teenagers that could be your daughters, Pervert-san. A woman is like a fine wine, like a rose that needs to bloom fully to show its beauty! The years and wrinkles only add to the charm!
[ Then he's doing that adorable smile/blush again. ]
I have just eaten my birthday cup noodles, thank you. Feel free to join me and Verica once you're done, however.
It isn't pure, devoted love until you accept your beloved as your sister, your daughter, your mother in law and your lover, Katsura-san. Some day you'll understand, I just know it. [His tone is wry, with the gentleness of a teacher imbuing this information to a treasured pupil]
Alright, maybe I will. I'll even bring these extra strength aloe tissues for the stunning reveal.
I am not entirely sure there is anything pure about wanting to **** your sister, Kondo-san. However, I am quite certain that the deities of appropriateness have given up on you long ago.
[ aw it would be sort of sweet if it wasn't, you know, creepy ]
Well thought! Nothing soothes the burn in the heart and eyes like some aloe vera.
It's an instinct that's been infused with our ***** Katsura-san. The pureness of the womb's origins, I read it in a book once. That's why we've got the thrill of the chase and the stalk- it's instinct, instinct! The deities of appropriateness turned their cheeks first. Tch.
[At least it's touching...with fists and stuff]
Damn right! Heres to boogers aimed straight and true.
A man who allows instinct dictate his courtship rituals can not call himself a samurai. I would have expected more discipline out of you, Stalker-san. The cheeks the deities have turned toward you are the ones you see from inside the outhouse box while they cr*p on you, I'm afraid.
[ indeed ]
If one can keep their boogers straight and true, keeping their back the same way is an easy task. This was actually inspiring, Gorilla-san. Thank you.
[Just have the most gentlemanly snort known to man] Why do you think fundoshi are a part of our souls, Wig-san? Instinct. You can't escape it, even with that prim and proper stick up your bum. The only cheeks I see are my own. [He says, with great wonder in his voice] Are my cheeks deities? Did I get a promotion during the season's break?
[He grins and offers Zura a thumbs up] That's the spirit, Virgin-who-can't-drive-san! And keeping their nosehair the same way is equally important. I'm happy to encourage those who need it!
It's not Wig-san, it's Katsura. There is nothing shoved up my behind, and I'm afraid I do not really feel flattered by that suggestion. Perhaps you should tell the tale of your *** cheeks to a corresponding gorilla female, I am sure it will fall on eager ears in that case.
[ nods curtly ]
It's not Virgin-who-can't-drive-san, it's Katsura. That is some good advice, Assfro-gorilla-san. Perhaps you should put it down in a book or star in a talk show, so everyone who needs it can reach it.
...ah, that is actually a good idea. I do not think there are any live shows with guests here on Hollyheights.
[Complete and utter arrogant confidence leaking from his voice-] You store your bombs up there, duh! So technically you do have something nestled in that abyss. [He presses the tips of his fingers together bashfully] Nono, that tale is only for my beautiful gorilla queen as a mating ritual to get those bastards off her behind. [And y'know, the entire neighborhood]
Traffic-Cone-Murderer-san it is, then. [The dawn of a new television era dawns on his face as he looks at Katsura] We could combine it with a Cops chase show during the intermissions? Katsura-san...I think this is the start of something wonderful. I'm with you.
That is ridiculous. Standard bombs are way too big for that. Commonly stored items include army knives, lockpicks and universal keys, you failure of a prison guard.
No no, that would give it an unnecessary political undertone. But a heartfelt talk show with a charming hostess is something this community needs, I would think. Famous citizens sharing their stories of success and nose hair crimping...
[He shakes his head, bemused by his waifu's ignorance] The human body can stretch to impressive diameters when the situation is dire. [He pales] Yo-you put that kind of stuff in there? You're so hardcore, Katsura-san. I had no idea you were so flexible....your people must be so proud of your accomplishments.
Mmm, true, true. That sounds delightful! It'll warm the heart and the wallet! Can we have a segment dedicated to proper nair application as well? Of course you'll be needing a sexy co-host as well. [He frames his face with big meaty hands, smiling innocently]
Of course they are! I am this close to toppling over the Bakufu with peaceful methods, after all. [ scowls ] If you are thinking of putting anything in there, however, I will have to cut you down right here, dirty-craddle-robbing-ape-san.
Ah, that is not a bad idea. I wonder if G*orge Cloon*y lives around these parts somewhere? We might be in trouble otherwise... [ completely oblivious to Kondo's blatant suggestion of himself ] ...perhaps the show could be salvaged if you wear this, Kondo-san.
[ HOLDING UP AN ELIZABETH SHEET, who knows where he even got it from but he's staring at Kondo expectantly with those dead serious dumb deer eyes ]
You're closer to toppling my grandma's J*nga set from the bottom up, and she kept her dentures there to fortify our spirits. [Balks] I DIDN'T ROB ANY CRADLE, IT'S LEGAL PERFECTLY LEGAL! There were no rattles or butt cream in sight. Don't cut anything, leave it alone.
[Blank stare slaps the sheet out of his wife's hands] I think Gorilla Cl**ny will be the host this city deserves.
Nonsense. I practice Jenga all the time, I would pull your grandmother's dentures out of it without toppling it!!
IT MAY BE LEGAL GOING BY THE LAW FORGED BY THE LIKES OF YOU, BUT NOT THE HUMANITY!! HOW OLD ARE YOU, ANYWAY? IS TAE-DONO EVEN EIGHTEEN YET?
[ flails ]
[ catches it and pulls lip dramatically ]
That does not sound cute at all! Come on, Gorilla-Cl**ny-san, do not forget that we have been bound by the sacred shackles of a faux marriage. I miss Elizabeth dearly and it is my birthday! Wear it for me!..
I detect the scent of an amateur with that kinda talk, my friend. There's no need to talk so big, you'll get there eventually. [A mad mad grin twists his lips and his eyes look wild and creepier than usual as he grunts] You've been met with a terrible fate, haven't you?
BY THE LAWS INVESTED BY OUR FOREGORILLAS! IT'S ALL VERY SOPHISTOCATED! TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTER STATS YOU NE'ER DO WELL! SHE'S PERFECTLY LEGAL AND I'M ONLY TWENTY ****! How sad. If you want to take over the business you'll have to pay more attention to detail, Katsura-san.
[Sweats profusely oh no oh no oh no nonono not the lip thing oh Christ's nipples not the lip thing] Oi OIII now c'mon I'm sure there are lots of suckers- I mean, great people who would wear it for you! I wouldn't want to accidentally tear out the ass of something you love so much...do-don't be cry...
Stop talking down to me! I am a strong independent housewife and if I say I would beat you in J*nga, then so I would!
[ glaring up at the mountain of a gorilla. wow for some reason he doesn't feel like he's making a decent scary impression here ]
THAT'S THIRTY *****! DON'T YOU EVER DARE TO MENTION STATS AGAIN!!! I JUST LOOKED AT THEM AGAIN AND IT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE SOME TINY THING NEXT TO GORILLAS!!!!!
[ YES THE LIP THING he does look a little reassured though ]
Oh, perhaps you are right. There are people looking for jobs all the time, perhaps I should present it as a part-time position...
[Ew, no, that's the kind of crap that decides angsty backstories and bathtub capers, Ev*anesscence playing in the bg. Fate decided]
I can't help that you're so short staffed, Katsura-san. Uh huh, okay, I, like, totally believe you.
[Nope, like the tiny dog with the Big Ass Dog complex, the gorilla is unmoved.]
NO, I'M TWENTY**** IN MY HEART! AND MY SOUL! I HAVE TWENTY **** RINGS ON MY TRUNK, DAMMIT! LIKE THOSE OLD TREES! I JUST LOOKED AGAIN! You are a very impressive spec next to the gorillas though, Katsura-san.
[NOOO NOT THE LIP THING. Sweats bullets but he's a little comforted, he might have dodged the bullet]
Exaaaactly! Why, it'll be a hot spot in the ad page, I'm sure!
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keepcalmandbomb) wrote2013-06-06 03:30 pm
[reaction + action]
...Kondo-san...
[ a single tear rolls down his cheek ]
I NEVER ALLOWED YOU USING MY CONDITIONER!!!
[ nonetheless, a few hours later he'll actually have dinner ready to welcome the goddamn nice gorilla home. it's just fried rice with mild curry sauce, but at least it's actually edible, unlike Otae-san's tamagoyaki. Although it might also help with constipation as a side effect. Who knows. ]
[ There will even be clean dishes
and a candlewaiting on the dining table. ]Action(s of a stepford terrorist waifu =u=)
He did it. Ohhh he did it. He was done for. This was it. He'd heard Katsura cry- er, remembered the character stats and it was apparent his birthday was close. As in he missed it. But. But everyone should have their birthday acknowledged, spend the day with their closest people to remind them just how they touched those lives, happy to be born and happy to be alive and happy to be able to meet, fated or not. Even terrorists. So he'd done it. He'd gotten his spouse some things to tide him over until those closest to him could come up with something. Like, hey, I remember you dropping my toothbrush in the toilet the other day, you are a huge pain in our ass and you are not forgotten. And he had no idea what was waiting for him when he went home, the very thought of it made his asshole curl up in itself.
However, when he eventually made it home, cringing as he crossed the threshold and clenching every hole in his body for an angry Katsura, nothing came. Something, however, smelled heavenly, and as he made it to the heart of their humble abode, the kitchen, his pulse picked up. What the hell was this lovely gesture? Did they get a hot maid without him knowing...?]
Honey, I'm home....? If you're doing things with the hot maid I'm going to have to ask you to get me sound canceling headphones...
Re: Action(s of a stepford terrorist waifu =u =)
[ He approaches from the other end of the hallway solemnly like the ghost girl from The Gr*dge, just with better hair. ]
The maid? Please. As if I would resort to such pathetic, inappropriate actions.
[ His glare, however, gradually turns into a tiny, cute, happy smile. Practically beaming, really, as C*line D*on's voice echoes from the living room, insisting that her heart will go ooooooooooon. ]
Thank you for the present, Kondo-san.
[ THIS MAY BE THE FIRST TIME HE'S NOT USING "GORILLA" OR OTHER UNOFFICIAL NICKNAMES WHEN ADDRESSING HIM. ]
Re: Action(s of a stepford terrorist waifu =u =)
The diarrhea is going to be on his soul, then. He'll never be able to wipe clean the stain from his karma level. Can he live with that
can he]
K*yako- Oh, Katsura-san, there you are. I thought you were someone else for a second. [He thought he felt something sinister within those locks...He nods knowingly] That's right, it is inappropriate to have such a young maid here after her curfew. Very naughty indeed, you old so and so.
[Okay so the smile is disconcerting, so disconcerting he feels a bead of sweat trickle perfectly down the line of his asscrack with Feeling. The C*line D*on is a little comforting and the only part of this moment that's keeping him from sharting and ducking behind the couch-
He thanked him. Used his name.
Utter shock follows, a fly's fart could've been heard in that silence. Kondo's chest felt really warm, like K*yako had warmed it in the microwave before the curse, a nice, gentle feeling.
Maybe this wasn't so bad, eh?
A grin as bright as the sun blossoms on his face, utterly touched] You're welcome, Katsura-san. I was just in the neighborhood buying tp when I saw those things and figured you'd enjoy them more than I would. To think, even you have your cute moments! It's a relief.
no subject
[ katsura's srsfais turns a little stern ]
I am not old and I do not bring young maidens home to do this and that. You, on the other hand, have a history of attempted cradle robbing on your hairy hands.
[ huff ]
Anyway, please enjoy your dinner. It is the least I can do.
[ bows with his hands in his sleves, and socks off to watch the evening soap that's about to start ]
no subject
Katsura's jo(i)y, which is now as contagious as a VD, isn't deterred by Zura's rebuff in the slightest. He just chuckles and rolls up his sleeves, plopping down at the table eagerly.]
A May-December romance keeps the Decembers frisky and spry! Don't knock it 'till you try it. And not with the older maid, that's unprofessional. For her grandchildren's sake.
[As he tucks in, he adds, with his mouth full mind you-] You really outdid yourself, Katsura-san. Thank you. But aren't you going to eat something before finding out if Verica woke up from her coma? Your tear ducts will need their strength.
no subject
Perhaps you have spent too much time stalking teenagers that could be your daughters, Pervert-san. A woman is like a fine wine, like a rose that needs to bloom fully to show its beauty! The years and wrinkles only add to the charm!
[ Then he's doing that adorable smile/blush again. ]
I have just eaten my birthday cup noodles, thank you. Feel free to join me and Verica once you're done, however.
no subject
Alright, maybe I will. I'll even bring these extra strength aloe tissues for the stunning reveal.
no subject
[ aw it would be sort of sweet if it wasn't, you know, creepy ]
Well thought! Nothing soothes the burn in the heart and eyes like some aloe vera.
no subject
[At least it's touching...with fists and stuff]
Damn right! Heres to boogers aimed straight and true.
no subject
[ indeed ]
If one can keep their boogers straight and true, keeping their back the same way is an easy task. This was actually inspiring, Gorilla-san. Thank you.
no subject
The only cheeks I see are my own. [He says, with great wonder in his voice] Are my cheeks deities? Did I get a promotion during the season's break?
[He grins and offers Zura a thumbs up] That's the spirit, Virgin-who-can't-drive-san! And keeping their nosehair the same way is equally important. I'm happy to encourage those who need it!
no subject
[ nods curtly ]
It's not Virgin-who-can't-drive-san, it's Katsura. That is some good advice, Assfro-gorilla-san. Perhaps you should put it down in a book or star in a talk show, so everyone who needs it can reach it.
...ah, that is actually a good idea. I do not think there are any live shows with guests here on Hollyheights.
no subject
Traffic-Cone-Murderer-san it is, then. [The dawn of a new television era dawns on his face as he looks at Katsura] We could combine it with a Cops chase show during the intermissions? Katsura-san...I think this is the start of something wonderful. I'm with you.
no subject
No no, that would give it an unnecessary political undertone. But a heartfelt talk show with a charming hostess is something this community needs, I would think. Famous citizens sharing their stories of success and nose hair crimping...
no subject
Mmm, true, true. That sounds delightful! It'll warm the heart and the wallet! Can we have a segment dedicated to proper nair application as well? Of course you'll be needing a sexy co-host as well. [He frames his face with big meaty hands, smiling innocently]
no subject
Of course they are! I am this close to toppling over the Bakufu with peaceful methods, after all. [ scowls ] If you are thinking of putting anything in there, however, I will have to cut you down right here, dirty-craddle-robbing-ape-san.
Ah, that is not a bad idea. I wonder if G*orge Cloon*y lives around these parts somewhere? We might be in trouble otherwise... [ completely oblivious to Kondo's blatant suggestion of himself ] ...perhaps the show could be salvaged if you wear this, Kondo-san.
[ HOLDING UP AN ELIZABETH SHEET, who knows where he even got it from but he's staring at Kondo expectantly with those dead serious dumb deer eyes ]
no subject
You're closer to toppling my grandma's J*nga set from the bottom up, and she kept her dentures there to fortify our spirits. [Balks] I DIDN'T ROB ANY CRADLE, IT'S LEGAL PERFECTLY LEGAL! There were no rattles or butt cream in sight. Don't cut anything, leave it alone.
[Blank stare
slaps the sheet out of his wife's hands] I think Gorilla Cl**ny will be the host this city deserves.
no subject
Nonsense. I practice Jenga all the time, I would pull your grandmother's dentures out of it without toppling it!!
IT MAY BE LEGAL GOING BY THE LAW FORGED BY THE LIKES OF YOU, BUT NOT THE HUMANITY!! HOW OLD ARE YOU, ANYWAY? IS TAE-DONO EVEN EIGHTEEN YET?
[ flails ]
[ catches it and pulls lip dramatically ]
That does not sound cute at all! Come on, Gorilla-Cl**ny-san, do not forget that we have been bound by the sacred shackles of a faux marriage. I miss Elizabeth dearly and it is my birthday! Wear it for me!..
[ lip wibbles ]
no subject
I detect the scent of an amateur with that kinda talk, my friend. There's no need to talk so big, you'll get there eventually. [A mad mad grin twists his lips and his eyes look wild and creepier than usual as he grunts] You've been met with a terrible fate, haven't you?
BY THE LAWS INVESTED BY OUR FOREGORILLAS! IT'S ALL VERY SOPHISTOCATED! TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTER STATS YOU NE'ER DO WELL! SHE'S PERFECTLY LEGAL AND I'M ONLY TWENTY ****! How sad. If you want to take over the business you'll have to pay more attention to detail, Katsura-san.
[Sweats profusely oh no oh no oh no nonono not the lip thing oh Christ's nipples not the lip thing] Oi OIII now c'mon I'm sure there are lots of suckers- I mean, great people who would wear it for you! I wouldn't want to accidentally tear out the ass of something you love so much...do-don't be cry...
[Wrings his hands, completely stricken]
no subject
Stop talking down to me! I am a strong independent housewife and if I say I would beat you in J*nga, then so I would!
[ glaring up at the mountain of a gorilla. wow for some reason he doesn't feel like he's making a decent scary impression here ]
THAT'S THIRTY *****! DON'T YOU EVER DARE TO MENTION STATS AGAIN!!! I JUST LOOKED AT THEM AGAIN AND IT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE SOME TINY THING NEXT TO GORILLAS!!!!!
[ YES THE LIP THING he does look a little reassured though ]
Oh, perhaps you are right. There are people looking for jobs all the time, perhaps I should present it as a part-time position...
no subject
I can't help that you're so short staffed, Katsura-san. Uh huh, okay, I, like, totally believe you.
[Nope, like the tiny dog with the Big Ass Dog complex, the gorilla is unmoved.]
NO, I'M TWENTY**** IN MY HEART! AND MY SOUL! I HAVE TWENTY **** RINGS ON MY TRUNK, DAMMIT! LIKE THOSE OLD TREES! I JUST LOOKED AGAIN! You are a very impressive spec next to the gorillas though, Katsura-san.
[NOOO NOT THE LIP THING. Sweats bullets but he's a little comforted, he might have dodged the bullet]
Exaaaactly! Why, it'll be a hot spot in the ad page, I'm sure!
no subject
[ shrieking like a true housewife at this point ]
I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR TRUNK RINGS!! YOU HAVE NO SHAAAMEEEEEEE!!! ...eh?
[ okay, now he's smiling a little ]
Of course! Now then, I think the soap is starting...