holly heights mailbox

[keepcalmandbomb]

☆ spouse gorilla ☆ kid #1 ☆ kid #2 ☆



mailbox ☆ call ☆ text ☆ spam/etc

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m a i l b o x

[keepcalmandbomb]

(( for: letters, packages, post, cat poop, ... ))

c a l l

[keepcalmandbomb]

(( for: calls, leaving messages, video chat, voicemail, ... ))

t e x t

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(( for: texts, emails, ... ))

s p a m

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(( for: spam, ads, whatever not mentioned above. you may also start your own thread ))

[You've got Mail! And it isn't poop!]

[gorillatama]

[When Zura stops untangling his Bentendo controller from the hell that is crossed cords and checks his mailbox, there's an innocent package waiting for him!

Inside is a CD and this tasty snack
All items clearly have tags from Holly-Mart still attached but its the thought and the message that counts:]

Not lame villain at all! Thank you 4 sharing your conditioner! Happy birthday! You're a real tacky asshole Swaglite Warrior!

from: your hubbyBuddy!

[reaction + action]

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ Katsura cares little about the price tags, because heck, this just might be the most of actual birthday presents he's ever gotten. He almost weeps when he unpacks the C*line Di*n CD and the noodles. ]

...Kondo-san...

[ a single tear rolls down his cheek ]

I NEVER ALLOWED YOU USING MY CONDITIONER!!!




[ nonetheless, a few hours later he'll actually have dinner ready to welcome the goddamn nice gorilla home. it's just fried rice with mild curry sauce, but at least it's actually edible, unlike Otae-san's tamagoyaki. Although it might also help with constipation as a side effect. Who knows. ]

[ There will even be clean dishes and a candle waiting on the dining table. ]

Action(s of a stepford terrorist waifu =u=)

[gorillatama]

[Kondo was pretty grateful to get out of the house earlier that day. No, it wasn't because it was stuffy, what, arguing with nearly every breath and dodging bombs (literally), and it certainly wasn't to get away from the charming family moments they did surprisingly have.

He did it. Ohhh he did it. He was done for. This was it. He'd heard Katsura cry- er, remembered the character stats and it was apparent his birthday was close. As in he missed it. But. But everyone should have their birthday acknowledged, spend the day with their closest people to remind them just how they touched those lives, happy to be born and happy to be alive and happy to be able to meet, fated or not. Even terrorists. So he'd done it. He'd gotten his spouse some things to tide him over until those closest to him could come up with something. Like, hey, I remember you dropping my toothbrush in the toilet the other day, you are a huge pain in our ass and you are not forgotten. And he had no idea what was waiting for him when he went home, the very thought of it made his asshole curl up in itself.

However, when he eventually made it home, cringing as he crossed the threshold and clenching every hole in his body for an angry Katsura, nothing came. Something, however, smelled heavenly, and as he made it to the heart of their humble abode, the kitchen, his pulse picked up. What the hell was this lovely gesture? Did they get a hot maid without him knowing...?]

Honey, I'm home....? If you're doing things with the hot maid I'm going to have to ask you to get me sound canceling headphones...

Re: Action(s of a stepford terrorist waifu =u =)

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ it probably only smells heavenly to someone used to crust-burned eggs and bowls of mayo, but hey. and if it does end up causing diarrhea, Katsura won't be purposefully occupying the bathroom! so, all good. ]

[ He approaches from the other end of the hallway solemnly like the ghost girl from The Gr*dge, just with better hair. ]

The maid? Please. As if I would resort to such pathetic, inappropriate actions.

[ His glare, however, gradually turns into a tiny, cute, happy smile. Practically beaming, really, as C*line D*on's voice echoes from the living room, insisting that her heart will go ooooooooooon. ]

Thank you for the present, Kondo-san.

[ THIS MAY BE THE FIRST TIME HE'S NOT USING "GORILLA" OR OTHER UNOFFICIAL NICKNAMES WHEN ADDRESSING HIM. ]

Re: Action(s of a stepford terrorist waifu =u =)

[gorillatama]

[HEY, OTAE-SAN'S BURNT BIOHAZARD FOOD AND MAYO IS A GOOD STAPLE FOR STRONG MEN- who are we kidding.
The diarrhea is going to be on his soul, then. He'll never be able to wipe clean the stain from his karma level. Can he live with that
can he]

K*yako- Oh, Katsura-san, there you are. I thought you were someone else for a second. [He thought he felt something sinister within those locks...He nods knowingly] That's right, it is inappropriate to have such a young maid here after her curfew. Very naughty indeed, you old so and so.

[Okay so the smile is disconcerting, so disconcerting he feels a bead of sweat trickle perfectly down the line of his asscrack with Feeling. The C*line D*on is a little comforting and the only part of this moment that's keeping him from sharting and ducking behind the couch-

He thanked him. Used his name.

Utter shock follows, a fly's fart could've been heard in that silence. Kondo's chest felt really warm, like K*yako had warmed it in the microwave before the curse, a nice, gentle feeling.

Maybe this wasn't so bad, eh?

A grin as bright as the sun blossoms on his face, utterly touched] You're welcome, Katsura-san. I was just in the neighborhood buying tp when I saw those things and figured you'd enjoy them more than I would. To think, even you have your cute moments! It's a relief.

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ you're not fooling anyone, no ]

[ katsura's srsfais turns a little stern ]

I am not old and I do not bring young maidens home to do this and that. You, on the other hand, have a history of attempted cradle robbing on your hairy hands.

[ huff ]

Anyway, please enjoy your dinner. It is the least I can do.

[ bows with his hands in his sleves, and socks off to watch the evening soap that's about to start ]

[gorillatama]

[Dammit.
Katsura's jo(i)y, which is now as contagious as a VD, isn't deterred by Zura's rebuff in the slightest. He just chuckles and rolls up his sleeves, plopping down at the table eagerly.]

A May-December romance keeps the Decembers frisky and spry! Don't knock it 'till you try it. And not with the older maid, that's unprofessional. For her grandchildren's sake.

[As he tucks in, he adds, with his mouth full mind you-] You really outdid yourself, Katsura-san. Thank you. But aren't you going to eat something before finding out if Verica woke up from her coma? Your tear ducts will need their strength.

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ Katsura stops and huffs, with the smug face of a true expert. ]

Perhaps you have spent too much time stalking teenagers that could be your daughters, Pervert-san. A woman is like a fine wine, like a rose that needs to bloom fully to show its beauty! The years and wrinkles only add to the charm!

[ Then he's doing that adorable smile/blush again. ]

I have just eaten my birthday cup noodles, thank you. Feel free to join me and Verica once you're done, however.

[gorillatama]

It isn't pure, devoted love until you accept your beloved as your sister, your daughter, your mother in law and your lover, Katsura-san. Some day you'll understand, I just know it. [His tone is wry, with the gentleness of a teacher imbuing this information to a treasured pupil]

Alright, maybe I will. I'll even bring these extra strength aloe tissues for the stunning reveal.

t e x t - Just after someone's Jolly Cruise Adventure hit shore...

[booyakabunga]

DEAR KATSUMAMA

IM OK SORRY 4 WORRYING u...
THERE WAS A BOAT AND SOME STUFF HAPPENED. ON AN ISLAND NOW & I THINK THEIR MIGHT B CANNIBALS. pLEASE SEND PIZZA IF POSSIBLE.

ALSO PLEASE GIVE KONDAD A BIG KISS FOR ME TO SAY IM SORRY 4 WORRYING HIM 2. ITs AN IMPORTANT TASC sO IM KOUNTING ON YOU 2 TAKE CARE IF IT FOR ME B/C WE'R TIGHT AND I KNOW I CAN DEPEND ON U


LOVE MIKEY

TEXT

[keepcalmandbomb]

It's Katsura.

It is very relieving to know you are fine for the moment, Michelangelo-kun. We have been worried sick when we discovered you were missing, although it appears the same fate has met others...

If the cannibals bother you, make sure to mention that you are a turtle. If that doesn't help, try to stay close to uncle Gintoki, he will protect you. Most importantly, keep your back straight and your guns ablaze!

Please write again soon.

P.S. I am sending pizza and a set of impact explosives with this letter, I do hope they come in hand.

Signed, Your Loving Mother.

[keepcalmandbomb]

I am not entirely sure there is anything pure about wanting to **** your sister, Kondo-san. However, I am quite certain that the deities of appropriateness have given up on you long ago.

[ aw it would be sort of sweet if it wasn't, you know, creepy ]

Well thought! Nothing soothes the burn in the heart and eyes like some aloe vera.

[gorillatama]

It's an instinct that's been infused with our ***** Katsura-san. The pureness of the womb's origins, I read it in a book once. That's why we've got the thrill of the chase and the stalk- it's instinct, instinct! The deities of appropriateness turned their cheeks first. Tch.

[At least it's touching...with fists and stuff]

Damn right! Heres to boogers aimed straight and true.

[keepcalmandbomb]

A man who allows instinct dictate his courtship rituals can not call himself a samurai. I would have expected more discipline out of you, Stalker-san. The cheeks the deities have turned toward you are the ones you see from inside the outhouse box while they cr*p on you, I'm afraid.

[ indeed ]

If one can keep their boogers straight and true, keeping their back the same way is an easy task. This was actually inspiring, Gorilla-san. Thank you.

[gorillatama]

[Just have the most gentlemanly snort known to man] Why do you think fundoshi are a part of our souls, Wig-san? Instinct. You can't escape it, even with that prim and proper stick up your bum.
The only cheeks I see are my own. [He says, with great wonder in his voice] Are my cheeks deities? Did I get a promotion during the season's break?

[He grins and offers Zura a thumbs up] That's the spirit, Virgin-who-can't-drive-san! And keeping their nosehair the same way is equally important. I'm happy to encourage those who need it!

[keepcalmandbomb]

It's not Wig-san, it's Katsura. There is nothing shoved up my behind, and I'm afraid I do not really feel flattered by that suggestion. Perhaps you should tell the tale of your *** cheeks to a corresponding gorilla female, I am sure it will fall on eager ears in that case.

[ nods curtly ]

It's not Virgin-who-can't-drive-san, it's Katsura. That is some good advice, Assfro-gorilla-san. Perhaps you should put it down in a book or star in a talk show, so everyone who needs it can reach it.

...ah, that is actually a good idea. I do not think there are any live shows with guests here on Hollyheights.

[gorillatama]

[Complete and utter arrogant confidence leaking from his voice-] You store your bombs up there, duh! So technically you do have something nestled in that abyss. [He presses the tips of his fingers together bashfully] Nono, that tale is only for my beautiful gorilla queen as a mating ritual to get those bastards off her behind. [And y'know, the entire neighborhood]

Traffic-Cone-Murderer-san it is, then. [The dawn of a new television era dawns on his face as he looks at Katsura] We could combine it with a Cops chase show during the intermissions? Katsura-san...I think this is the start of something wonderful. I'm with you.

[keepcalmandbomb]

That is ridiculous. Standard bombs are way too big for that. Commonly stored items include army knives, lockpicks and universal keys, you failure of a prison guard.

No no, that would give it an unnecessary political undertone. But a heartfelt talk show with a charming hostess is something this community needs, I would think. Famous citizens sharing their stories of success and nose hair crimping...

[gorillatama]

[He shakes his head, bemused by his waifu's ignorance] The human body can stretch to impressive diameters when the situation is dire. [He pales] Yo-you put that kind of stuff in there? You're so hardcore, Katsura-san. I had no idea you were so flexible....your people must be so proud of your accomplishments.

Mmm, true, true. That sounds delightful! It'll warm the heart and the wallet! Can we have a segment dedicated to proper nair application as well? Of course you'll be needing a sexy co-host as well. [He frames his face with big meaty hands, smiling innocently]

[keepcalmandbomb]

[ WHO'S IGNORANT NOW huff ]

Of course they are! I am this close to toppling over the Bakufu with peaceful methods, after all. [ scowls ] If you are thinking of putting anything in there, however, I will have to cut you down right here, dirty-craddle-robbing-ape-san.

Ah, that is not a bad idea. I wonder if G*orge Cloon*y lives around these parts somewhere? We might be in trouble otherwise... [ completely oblivious to Kondo's blatant suggestion of himself ] ...perhaps the show could be salvaged if you wear this, Kondo-san.

[ HOLDING UP AN ELIZABETH SHEET, who knows where he even got it from but he's staring at Kondo expectantly with those dead serious dumb deer eyes ]

[gorillatama]

[STILL U, WAIFU =u=]

You're closer to toppling my grandma's J*nga set from the bottom up, and she kept her dentures there to fortify our spirits. [Balks] I DIDN'T ROB ANY CRADLE, IT'S LEGAL PERFECTLY LEGAL! There were no rattles or butt cream in sight. Don't cut anything, leave it alone.

[Blank stare
slaps the sheet out of his wife's hands] I think Gorilla Cl**ny will be the host this city deserves.